Suzi's Blog

Might as well catch up on my blog because I don’t know who I can turn to right now. As happy as the last post was, this one will be sad. I’ve been planning it for a while, but only now, on Valentine’s Day, am I putting my thoughts together.

Firstly I want to talk about my injury. It’s coming up to the year anniversary of when I had my accident. I was offered less than thirty minutes of physio so I’ve decided that when I have to go to the doctors next month over my AD subscription I’ll bring up the discussion of some proper physiotherapy. It’s been so long and I don’t feel any better, in fact, in some ways, I feel much worse than when I first hurt myself.

I don’t bring this up much because I feel so ashamed, but it’s worth saying. When I had my accident for several months the doctors told me not to put my foot down on the floor because it would cause swelling and would take longer to heal. So mostly I had bed rest and didn’t get much exercise… the only time I really went out when I was confined was to see boyfriend at the time. I didn’t even leave my village, we just had a picnic, but I was so tired because my legs were so very weak – I slept for so many hours afterwards. Anyway, I was never the slimmest person before, but the lack of exercise meant I ended up putting on more weight.

I was so happy when I finally got rid of my plaster cast and was told no more hospital appointments, but unfortunately I’ve never felt right since. Even getting to the bus stop is a chore and thinking about that makes me want to cry. It’s just not right. Short distances hurt me so much – my foot, my leg, my back. If I push myself to rush or don’t rest even on the shortest of journeys I end up feeling ill and wanting to throw up. It makes me feel pathetic. So I think I need physiotherapy to get through this… I can’t live like this anymore. It makes me avoid my friends and family and I never look forward to going out. I have to get some help.

The injury and the subsequent weight gain has added to my depression, but they’re not the only things… Late last year I had a sebaceous cyst on the back of my head. It was very painful and it hurt a lot to brush or wash my hair… my long hair, the only thing I’ve ever thought looked good about me… So I had my hair cut and I couldn’t stop crying. For ages I was wearing a hat (and I don’t even like hats!) to disguise my hideous hair, but I can’t wear a hat forever so now I don’t. I hate my horrible short boyish hair – I kept being told it will grow but it’s still short and it makes me hate myself more than ever. If it would grow then I wouldn’t avoid mirrors so much and I wouldn’t feel as ugly (only somewhat ugly).

2005 wasn’t all bad… I feel like I’ve made some good friends, and of course there was my boyfriend. I mentioned the break up a while ago, but I felt that we did have a chance of getting back together. I never stopped wanting to be with him, and I did at one point think he felt the same. But last month he told me he’d moved on. Whatever he or his girlfriend might think of how I feel I am happy for them… but I can’t be happy with them. It hurts that he doesn’t want me, that I’m just not good enough. I feel so stupid for thinking he could ever want to be with me again.

I miss talking to him… He was not only my boyfriend, he was my friend… but right now the pain is too much. Regardless, I couldn’t help being disappointed that he didn’t wish me a Happy Birthday. Maybe he thinks I don’t want to talk to him, but he’s not even attempted to email me since he told me he’d moved on… I miss him so much.

I don’t feel so Happy this Valentine’s Day. I feel lonely once more. I hope others have a better time than I’ll have.

2006 does seem to be looking up a little bit I guess, but time will tell. Something for another post anyway.

Sorry for being depressing (to anyone who read till the end).

This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 14th, 2006 at 3:50 am and is filed under Suzi. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.