I’ve had a lot on my mind lately… I guess it will make me feel better just to write about my thoughts at the moment, regardless of whether anyone reads or comments on them or not.
Firstly, I guess the main thing on my mind… the ex. I wish I could just get over him and move on, but when has that ever been so simple? I can’t talk to him or be his friend until it stops hurting. The last few brief times I’ve spoken to him since he’s mentioned her and I don’t need or want to know. It’s bad enough feeling I have to avoid the forum we “met” because they’re both there flirting with one another… in fact I’d avoid the forum I’m an admin at (where they both “met”) if I wasn’t needed there. I’m pretty much completely absent from MSN and Skype because I don’t even want to see his name.
I guess some might think reading this that I should cut ties completely. Maybe, but it’s not my nature to do that. He doesn’t hurt me, he never did, I hurt myself by getting involved, by caring, by loving. I feel so stupid over it all. So very stupid.
When me and him were together I knew he was still in love with his ex. I guess I thought that if I could love him he’d find it in his heart to love me back… however long it took. But he always loved her and never me. But I thought things could change…
After my accident when I was in the hospital he said he’d visit. I was so sad when he didn’t. I found out afterwards a friend had unexpectedly come round and he didn’t want to be rude. What about me? What about how I felt? But of course I understood and didn’t show how hurt I felt. I didn’t think about it too much.
A few months down the line his ex contacted him, wanted help with something. He went straight over. Had it been me though, his own girlfriend, I doubt he’d have made the effort. They ended up kissing. Nothing more as far as I know. But he was guilty for it and told me. I didn’t do anything about it. It was still okay between us. I was happy to have him as my boyfriend still…
It was September, just after his birthday when we first broke up. I’d had a cyst at the back of my hair which made it incredibly painful to manage so I ended up cutting all my long hair off… I felt ugly anyway but my hair was the one thing I liked. I felt hideous. I said I wasn’t sure we should continue seeing each other and I told him why. He said it didn’t matter about that, but he’d been thinking about breaking up anyway because he was confused about what he wanted.
That was the beginning of the end. He even made a post about it on the forum we met, saying we’d split up and we’d been having problems for ages. I felt so humiliated. Everyone knew. Because he posted he was the one who got the sympathy. And I hadn’t seen these problems… before the cyst which lowered my confidence to rock bottom, I thought we were okay.
We met up once afterwards so I could give him his birthday presents. We were laughing and joking all morning, it felt so natural as if we’d never broke up. There were sparks, he said he felt it too… but didn’t want us to get back together. I said I was fine, waiting for him to leave and spent ages crying on a bench. It was the last time I saw him face to face.
Weeks afterwards he said he wanted us to get back together. People warned me against it, but when we were together he made me feel happy mostly… So we did. But I couldn’t cope with the excuses – it just felt like week after week there was reason after reason not to see me. He said it wasn’t like that, but he didn’t fight to change my mind. It truly was over that time.
We still joking through November and December… I still held some hope that we could work things out. But by January he’d gone up to meet with her and things had grown from there. The day he told me that he joined my forum. She’d been there a while anyway and before I’d even found out that they were seeing each other there was something about her I didn’t quite like. Now, I know it to be jealousy.
I deleted them both from my forum. She has never been a friend of mine (we got to the same forum but I don’t know her and she doesn’t know me), and I did not want my ex’s girlfriend at my forum, constantly reminding me… And he could have joined for months so why that day? No doubt she just told him to. I don’t need that. How I wish he’d have made the effort when I was his girlfriend.
It was Easter Sunday when I read the post that he loves her. I want to be happy for him, as a friend, but I just don’t feel it. I feel lonely and so very sad. I would have been upset regardless, but it feels all the most worse that he skipped me when he was dishing out love. He only ever cared for me. What’s so wrong with me?
Today I read how he’s good with her children. I know she is moving to the city he works so she can go to University there. Maybe one day they’ll move in together (if it’s not already planned), get married, have their own children… the latter something I may never have been able to give him anyway.
It hurts so much. I can cope with being alone. My ex moving on quickly. Finding love with someone else. I’m used to it… But what hurts, what really hurts, is that he couldn’t love me even for a while… We were together for nearly a year and he never loved me. He even said to me at one point that if I found someone else I liked better I should break up with him and move on. Who could seriously want their girlfriend to do that?
I don’t think I’m ever going to understand. I just wanted love. It’s all I ever want in a relationship.
I hate him for making me feel like this. I wish I’d never met him. I don’t want to love him, or miss him, or care about him anymore. I don’t want to feel like this!
But if I cut ties completely how will I feel then? I wouldn’t even have his friendship… I don’t talk to my first ex much and I miss him even though it’s been years. So no, I don’t want to not have him as a friend… I just don’t want the rest.
Regardless of how it sounds I do want him to be happy. I just don’t want to feel any pain.