I was so tired when I went to bed last night, but I woke up early this morning and now can’t sleep again. I hate it when that happens. My mind has been all over the place lately. I guess I can’t settle when there are things I want to say.
At the moment I’m in a confusing and complicated situation between me and a sweet guy I know. I want to talk about it but whenever an issue is brought up I end up thinking about things that have happened in the past… they don’t even have to be related events. So here I find myself thinking about another guy; Ben. My feelings were completely different from him, nothing more than a crush, but the events surrounding it hurt and I’ve never really been as trusting since. I think it’s something I need to get out in the open so the memory can be buried away for good.
Let me take you back to 2004. I found this diary entry tucked away on my computer.
13th, June 2004
I’m never going to understand the human race. If only everyone thought just like I do then maybe I wouldn’t have a problem, but the fact is that hardly anyone can figure me out. Even the closest people to me who get very close to understanding what’s going on inside my warped little mind have difficulty. So whose problem is it then? Mine…? Or the rest of humanity? I guess it’s me that’s got to change whether I need to or not. What’s brought this on, you may ponder. Well, ponder no more, my non-existent audience – I’m about to share.
So I decided to create a website dedicated to my favourite topic (The Sims) and found a really great host. Plenty of space, plenty of bandwidth, decent file upload sizes and FTP access – everything I need for a website (while I’m on my FTP kick anyway). So I began uploaded my site and happened upon the host’s forum. The general vibe I got was if you didn’t ask stupid questions (like what had been answered in their FAQ) or abuse the staff, members, or generally started being an ass about the hosting service, you were accepted.
I did a few posts at first, but they were mostly overlooked due to the amount of members. I decided not to post for a while, I don’t like sticking out in a crowd anyway. A few weeks passed by and I decided it was time to try again. Avatars were available on the forum by then, so I stuck on a funny picture and updated my profile a bit and hoped that maybe something I had to say would be worth reading. Success! I actually started getting responses! This is where it all went wrong…
There was this one particular guy on there that was really funny. From now on he shall be known as Ben, as that was his name. Seriously, he was one of the funniest people I’d ever met. A laugh a minute (or post, if you want to be precise). As soon as he knew I liked some of the things he was into and that I was female, he started flirting. It was really funny and sweet and so I joined in. We were getting on great. I was worried that maybe our public flirting would make others uncomfortable, but he didn’t seem to think it would be a problem so we carried on.
Well, it wasn’t long before he’d posted about me on his blog. I thought it was really nice of him to do that. A perfect stranger and mentioning me like I was worth the time of day… Well I don’t know that feeling except from friends, and sometimes I think my friends are ashamed of me… I was pleased. I responded. It went backwards and forwards between us on his blog for a while, just like on the forum. It was fun and he seemed like such a great guy, when he asked for my msn messenger address I didn’t hesitate to PM him with it.
We talked for a few hours on msn. I shared things I wouldn’t share with a stranger. My song lyrics… My recorded songs… Pictures of me… Pictures I’d drawn… I trusted him. I liked him. I even told him about my depression, even though it was leaving me vulnerable – I felt like me and him would be good friends. We had so much in common. He ended up sharing pictures and comics he’d worked on. And he kept complimenting me – I’m definitely not used to that. Said that my songs were really good and that he had them on loop, that I was really pretty, that my drawings were really good. I was blushing just thinking someone could think those things about me.
We were getting along so well, and it’s safe to say that I did have a bit of a crush on him. At the end of the conversation he told me that we couldn’t be more than friends as he’d been down the route of online dating and he couldn’t do that again. I was disappointed, sure I was, but I understood. It is difficult… I know from experience. He told me that he wanted to, and if we lived in the same place it wouldn’t be a problem, but he knew he’d be busy in a few months and it wouldn’t be fair on me. He said we could still flirt, because it was fun and neither of us are really used to it, but it wouldn’t go further than friendship.
Well, I hadn’t slept at all that night and on that note I decided to leave. I had completely lost my sense of humour anyway, and I knew I had an appointment with my counsellor (Nick) in less than a few hours so I had to go. I left really quickly.
After my appointment I came back home feeling a little less disappointed. I’d got a few things off my mind with Nick (nothing to do with this thing, btw) and had a little time to go online. I felt guilty for leaving like that so I went to Ben’s blog and decided to leave a comment there. My reason for it was that if I thought I could make a few jokes then he’d know that everything was okay between us. And this is where it really all went wrong… I shouldn’t have said a thing. I wish I could take it all back.
He mentioned something and I replied in regards to that. Then I said how I really enjoyed our conversation (emphasized it quite a bit, for laughs). And then I made a sexual innuendo (I’d give it a PG rating, wasn’t that bad) that he had started on the forum. It could have been taken two ways. I made a few jokes on the forum and I then went offline, thinking everything was fine. How wrong was I?
Later that night when I came online he had replied to my comment and made a post on his blog. Well I didn’t read the post he made, I went straight to the comment. He seemed a little awkward so I replied making the innuendo innocent (it’s not an innuendo if you can’t). But then I saw his post… He said that he felt slightly uncomfortable with the sexual comments considering his family would read his blog. If I’d have thought that I wouldn’t have posted what I had… Up to my anonymous comments (which he knew were from me) no one else had replied so I didn’t know his family actually read it.
I felt awful about it. So I apologized and explained my reasoning for doing it in the first place. And then I made another post afterwards, remembering I had said how I really enjoyed our conversation and thought perhaps that was what had made him uncomfortable… So I said how I had enjoyed our conversation and it was true – he was a funny guy. And then, just to be safe, I sent him an email to apologize again. You have to understand I felt awful about it. I was in tears by that point. And I went offline, very early for me. I felt drained.
A few hours I woke up. Like a zombie I went online, knowing I wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep again even if I tried. He was pissed off when he came online. I felt like I had made him mad. He told me how he didn’t like me posting randomly in his blog and that I should only do so if I’ll stay on topic. That he didn’t appreciate some of the comments I had made, and that I had posted too much. He said we should leave the flirting to the public forums and Instant Messages. I felt like a kid being told off for doing something wrong. I still don’t know why he was so offended.
I explained to him that I wouldn’t go back to his blog to post, I would only say something offensive and that I was sorry for any damage I’d done. I told him how I’m used to people encouraging comments on blogs (isn’t that why they have a comment system?), and I like to get them so I didn’t know it would be different for him. The atmosphere of the whole conversation was completely changed. Overnight (literally) we were laughing and joking and now I had messed up and was losing a potentially good friend.
I kept apologizing. I didn’t know how to make it better… I suffer with paranoia so I think everyone hates me anyway and right at that point alarm bells were going off… He told me things were fine, but they felt anything but fine to me. I said that if he wanted that I would never post in his blog, I’d leave the forum and he wouldn’t ever have to speak to me again. He told me that he didn’t want me to leave the forum and I didn’t have to and that if he didn’t want to talk he would turn his messenger off. Thinking about it, I really should have let it go… I should have left, but I’m such an idiot…
I went to his blog. I figured that I wouldn’t comment, but I could still read. His newest post said that he didn’t appreciate me using his blog as a messageboard. 3 comments is excessive now? That he remembered why he doesn’t like flirting online. That he felt like I was a stalker and he was being stalked by me. And he finished by saying (and this is possibly what hurt the most) that he had agreed to be friends with me, but maybe he would regret saying even that. I was devastated. I still am. Is that how I come across to people?
I confronted him with his stalker statement and he said he had written it before we had sorted it out. I really didn’t feel that he needed to say such things… I had previously said on one comment that he can say what he likes as it’s his blog, but I didn’t think he would be nasty about it. So I gave an online sigh, and sarcastically said the word “great”. I don’t know how he took it to mean, (obviously not well) but all I was thinking was not only would his family think I was some kind of hussy, but they’d also think I was a stalker too… I guess he might not have known I was being sarcastic, but what else would I mean by it?
So he flipped. Said that he’d had enough of trying to convince me that there was no problem because that had now become the problem. He went on to say that he didn’t think we could be friends because it would always come back to this. In my defence, psychotic though I may be, who made this such a big issue in the first place? I made a mistake – he didn’t have to humiliate me publicly like that.
I replied agreeing that maybe we shouldn’t be friends, but also saying how stupid this whole thing was. I said that I would be okay after sleep and then he went offline. I guess he’ll never know now.
Despite what my sister and one of my best friends (2nd ex boyfriend, Nat) think, I couldn’t stay with that host any longer. By the next day (Saturday 12th June) I deleted my website account there. I didn’t want to be contactable by the forum either so I went in there to delete everything I’d said on my profile and my avatar (so I’d fade into the background). I guess curiosity got the better of me and I looked at one of the topics we’d been flirting in.
Someone brought me up saying maybe he needed to wait from the opinion of his finance (the flirting started when he asked me to marry him after finding out we had a lot in common). His reply was that it was all a joke and that we wouldn’t be talking to one another again. He said that we’d had a disagreement and that it had reminded him to never do online dating/flirting ever again (emphasized ever).
And on that note I went into my profile and deleted everything. I even said no PM’s. I don’t intend to go back there. As nice as everyone was (and even though in the space of a few days I’d manage to rack up over 80 posts), I can’t be around someone who will make comments like that. I’m so disheartened by the whole situation. I feel so humiliated. Now everyone there and everyone who sees his blog will know what a complete freak I am. It puts me off ever wanting to use that particular name again, but unfortunately I’m signed up with too many things to stop using it. Damn.
My friend thinks I’m running scared. And I am. I admit it. The way I see it, if I stay at that host I will constantly be wondering what he’s saying about me. Updates are announced on their forum, so I would have to go to get the latest news, and he’d be there. I wouldn’t want to post because he’d ignore me, and he’s been there longer than me so he has more right to be there (not to mention he’s been very helpful on the forum). He can say whatever he wants, as long as I don’t know about it. Temptation might be too much if I stay. I can’t put myself through that.
I’m not sad to leave as such (it’s just a website host after all), but I’m disappointed it came to this in the end. I had fun there and I think I could have made a good friend, had he not thought I was a deranged lunatic. I have found a new host though. Unfortunately they wouldn’t accept my previous ID as it was too long, but my friend suggested a name I used to use a long time ago. Perhaps that’s for the best – I’m unidentifiable now. It doesn’t have as much space or bandwidth and file upload sizes are smaller, but I’ll adapt. At least it has FTP, and the advertising isn’t too bad. Now I just have to change my whole website so it says my new name instead of the old one. Fun awaits me.
After this whole fiasco I don’t know what to think anymore. Is that how I really come across to people? This is the 2nd time something like this has happened but the worst thing is I’ll be the one that still hurts and they’ll get over it and move on. Nat says I can’t be so sure, but maybe that’s what I want to believe. I didn’t want to cause anyone any trouble. How did I mess up so badly? I wish I could at least understand it so I could change. But the fact is I really don’t understand how I can offend someone so much. I’m such a loser. I have this huge problem with trusting people anyway so I don’t know why I jumped out of character and opened up to someone I didn’t know. I messed up. Big time.
I told Ben at the beginning that I don’t know boundaries and sometimes I come on too strong because of it. I wish he’d have stopped talking to me then. I even told him about the other event (briefly) where the same thing happened (with Nils)… I wish that he’d have figured the same thing would happen (and it did) and stopped it from getting out of hand. I’m not blaming him, I just wish he could have stopped it. I suppose I did in the end.
Perhaps subconsciously I knew things were getting too close (he knew too much about me) and that I was starting to form a crush on him, so I needed my own space and I pushed so hard that he would feel cornered (he actually used that word) and wouldn’t want anything else to do with me. Like my own defence to stop someone hurting me first without it really being my idea… Does that make any sense? I should be on Jerry Springer. I don’t know anymore… I just don’t know.
So I’ve been feeling like crap this weekend. Lots of tears, lots of regret, plenty of thinking I’m an idiot and don’t deserve friends anyway. I’m not even ready for a relationship. I wouldn’t be able to handle it. Jeez, at least this has taught me that much.
I’m angry that I let things get so out of hand. I want to be angry at him for overreacting and being so harsh about it, but I’m only angry at myself right now. I’m so lame. I got so upset it even made me self-harm. I hate it when that happens. I just get so sad and angry that I just want to make the emotional pain go away, and the best way is to physically harm myself. I guess it’s a distraction or a substitution. Sometimes I’m enough in control to stop myself, but like this weekend, I didn’t have the energy to stop. See, I am a psycho.
I went off my food a bit too. So odd for me… I hope I’ll waste away and disappear if I don’t eat. It didn’t work though, my sister and mum don’t like it when I don’t eat so I attempted to. Not that it would hurt if a lost a few pounds (or half my body weight). I’m so ugly and fat. My ex counsellor, Tracy, would hate to hear me say such things… She’d stop me if I said something negative about myself. It’s a pity most of my thoughts concerning myself are negative then, isn’t it?
I should really update my website while I’m doing nothing. Except, I really don’t feel like doing that… At all. Don’t know why I’m even bothering. Who gives a shit?