For some reason I’ve been thinking about an actor recently called Jonathan Brandis. I could write a huge list of all the TV shows, mini-series and films he starred in but he was most famous for his role in a sci-fi action drama in the mid 90s called SeaQuest (DSV / 2032). Unfortunately, he took his own life in November, 2003 – he was 27 years old.
I find myself remembering 1998, the year my grandad died. I was really close to him and his death was to be the start of my long and continous depression… I was already under stress from school exams, constant bullying and problems at home – this just brought it all crashing down. I could talk about all of the issues I’ve mentioned, but that’s not my reason for this post. I’m getting to it though.
I remember it was in the very early hours of a Saturday or Sunday morning when I saw a rerun of SeaQuest being shown. I vaguely recalled it from years ago and I recognised a few of the actors, Jonathan included. Not my type at all, but extremely handsome… I can’t explain why, but I was drawn to him. I was grieving over the loss of my grandad and felt I couldn’t talk to anyone, but somehow watching Jonathan in a movie or a show made it all okay for a while.
My depression had already started by then, but it would go undiagnosised and untreated for many months to follow. I had nothing I wanted to look forward to in my life and sometimes all that got me through the day was thinking about Jonathan, or seeing the new information and pictures my sister had managed to print off the computer at her college for me, or watching one of his movies or waiting until the next rerun was shown. Maybe I’ve described obsession there… but I know that someone I didn’t even know personally helped my life feel worth living again. I’ve been through many bad times, but none so bad as then. I am grateful Jonathan was there for it all, even if unwittingly.
Eventually they stopped showing SeaQuest. I wrote a letter to a TV magazine asking if they knew why and they said they didn’t and couldn’t answer my question, but put me in touch with the TV station. I asked them, but they didn’t know and told me to write to another department there who also didn’t know. They then sent me the address of Universal in the UK, who replied saying there were no plans for a release but they would let me know if it was added to their catalogue. They never did contact me again, but the 1st season is now available on video and DVD. I’m sure I was one of many but I guess you never can tell how much you help in the grand scheme of things. I think I’ll be writing to them again soon (maybe I’ll forward on a petition I signed too).
At some point I drew a few sketches of him, only one was ever finished and something I would be proud to show others. I also started writing him a letter. Actually it was far longer than any normal letter should be… it turned out to be more like a diary, and he was my audience. I told him how he was my favourite actor, I told him a bit about me and what I liked so much about him, but mostly how he had saved me. I finished the letter, and went through it all again, making jokes and notes in the margin. I never sent it to him though.
Over the years things got easier where my depression was concerned. I went on medication, saw professionals about my condition and finally opened up to people. I’ve had the wonderful support of my family and friends, even a few crushes and boyfriends along the way… I didn’t need Jonathan to save me anymore. And yet he never left the small place in my heart he’d found a home at. Once we had a home computer it was easier than ever to find out more about him, track down when new films of his would be out, purchase the older ones, and discuss his work with like minded people.
Sometimes there wasn’t any new information to be found and eventually I didn’t look for it as much. Every so often I would though and get excited that his big break was coming soon – I knew he definitely deserved one. Ride With The Devil, Outside Providence, Hart’s War… all great movies in their own right that didn’t get the recognition they should have, and didn’t show enough of my favourite actor. The latter even cut some of his scenes. But I felt he would make it famous again soon, and not for being a teen heartthrob this time around. He auditioned for the role of Anakin in Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones. I hoped so much this would be it… but unfortunately not.
Then he got a few leading man or supporting cast roles… The Year That Trembled, A Fate Totally Worse Than Death, Puerto Vallarta Squeeze, a pilot for a show called 111 Gramercy Park. His also did his first directorial and producing effort on a short film called The Slainesville Boys. Surely now he would be recognised? Time went by and still these films weren’t being produced due to cancellation or funding.
In the end a few have made it out, but Jonathan wasn’t around to see them. I remember hearing the terrible news of his death. I was in my sister’s room while she was on the Internet and she immediately said there was a news story about Jonathan. We were both excited but she scanned down the page and her expression changed in an instant. She told me she was wrong, it wasn’t about him after all. I knew she was hiding something and made her tell me, so she showed me the page. I didn’t want to believe it so I said it wasn’t true, it was wrong. I went to sleep hoping that when I woke up this lie would be corrected, but instead I found more reports of his death. Worse still that he’d commited suicide.
No one will ever know why he ended his life at such a young age – we can speculate but we’ll never know the truth for sure. I’ve heard plenty of rumours about why he did it, the main one being that he was suffering from depression. I’ve been there, I know how that feels. At one point I was close to ending the pain but he was my one thing to live for. When I didn’t want to burden my family or go to my friends that I was sure wouldn’t understand, I had him. Not in a literal way… but he was in my thoughts and my dreams, I didn’t have to think about my problems when I was watching him in something, he made it all okay.
I can’t really explain my feelings for him any better than that. I admired him, respected him, was attracted to him… he was a crush, and a secret friend to me without knowing it. It doesn’t really matter if anyone thinks I’m crazy for what I’ve admitted in this post, back then I was the closest thing to being crazy I’ve ever been in my life, but I wanted to share how much this man helped me. I wish I could have told him… I wish I could have had the courage to send him the letter. So what if he thought I was a silly little girl? So what if he didn’t read it? If I’d have sent it I wouldn’t have to feel regret not doing it. I’m not dilusional enough to think anything I had to say would make any difference to him, but he should have known that he helped me… he stopped me from doing what he ultimately did himself. I wish I’d tried instead of hating that I never did and never can.
I miss him a lot. I miss waiting for his next project. I miss his wonderful smile. I’m sad that time for him is frozen from the moment he passed away. I’m sad for myself because it hurt so much hearing what he’d done and feeling the way I did at one time. I’m sad for his fans who I know still mourn his loss… maybe some even feel the way I have. I’m sad for his family, especially his parents, and his friends… the people that really did know him.
I want to believe that he’s free from pain now. Whatever happens after you die, I want to believe he is safe and happy and looking down on the people he loves.
You’re still missed, Jonathan…