I’ve not been well recently. I really should go see a doctor, but I know what they’ll say already. I’m psyching myself up to go, but it’s not as straightforward as it sounds.

If anyone I care about ever reads this, I just want to say that I’m sorry. I know I’ve not been the best daughter, sister, friend (and so on) to you. It’s really not because of you though, it’s because of me and how I’ve been feeling. I have to live in hope that it won’t always be like this, but I know I’ve made mistakes and I’ve not always been as understanding or as there for you as I should have been… for that I am truly sorry. I hope you can understand that things haven’t been easy for me and one day I will make it up to you, if you will still let me.

Next month will be my birthday. I’m not looking forward to it. I don’t know when I stopped wanting to get older, but ever since it has made me reflect on all the people I’ve loved and lost, as well as those I will lose… every year forward is another year less. I’ll try and be happy for the sake of everyone around me, but right now I just don’t feel it.

There is one thing that is filling me with equal measures of excitement and dread, but I can’t talk about it right now. Maybe soon I will though.

I know I say it a lot (when I post), but I’m going to try and post more. The only reason I stopped posting as much is because some girls said to a friend of mine that someone we all knew was reading my posts and laughing about me to them, although she denied it and said they were just causing trouble (just a shame it had to be at my expense). It left me feeling a bit insecure over the whole thing. And then Flopsy died and I lost all will to post anything at all. There are things on my mind lately that I want to discuss, but I have to be careful what I say.

Well, that’s all I wanted to write for now. Until next time.

However… I do intend to post more than once a year from now on. I can’t guarantee it’ll always be funny, or interesting, or worth reading, but there’s not much point in a blog if I don’t update it ever.

For now that’s it, but I hope everyone that stops by had a lovely New Year. If 2010 was good for you I hope that continues and if it wasn’t… lets hope there’s change ahead. Take care anonymous people.

Late last year my brother went to the doctors because his leg was giving him a lot of pain. It was found that he had a blood clot, Deep Vein Thrombosis, and he had to inject himself with something to thin the blood. No further treatment was given because it wasn’t considered serious enough.

A few weeks ago he had a fall and afterwards he started to get a nasty cough which was later found to be Pneumonia. His other leg was starting to swell also. On Saturday an ambulance was called because he had trouble catching his breath. After oxygen, he could speak properly but was taken to hospital.

As my mum was told to call the hospital after my brother had been there for a few hours, she decided to go out knowing she’d be back well in time to phone up. She hadn’t been gone long before a police car pulled up outside our house. My dad answered and was told by a police officer that my brother had taken a turn for the worse and someone needed to go to the hospital. My dad went with the police to where my mum had gone, and she was picked up and taken that afternoon.

Although my dad came home soon after and was in contact with my mum, I wasn’t able to speak to her until Wednesday as she had stayed at the hospital. The details me and my sister were given about our brother’s condition were brief and it was only when our mum arrived home on Thursday that we were told the full extent.

My brother was taken to our nearest hospital. While there his heart had stopped and he had stopped breathing twice. He’s been unconscious (sedated and medically paralysed) since Saturday and was moved to a larger hospital in another town – he might be moved to a city hospital but he’s too ill to at the moment. It’s possible his leg will be amputated but their main concern is his heart after he had an embolism.

As of Friday there is slight movement and his eyes are open. Sometime soon he should be getting a Tracheotomy but he’s still weak – it should help him be more comfortable when he is well enough to be woken up again. As far as I know he has been on a ventilator, but he’s breathing unassisted right now. It seems as though it’s better, but it could still go either way.

I’ve never made it much of a secret how I feel about my brother, and it’s rarely complementary… but I have never wished this. I question my faith and yet on Saturday I prayed he would be okay. Whatever he has done, I would prefer him home and well than how things are. I want him back for him, for my mum, for the rest of my family, and for me. He’s only 35…

It’s hard to concentrate recently. If I think of anymore to say I’ll add it later. Thanks for reading.

Update my websites more frequently (including this blog)
Add Twitter to this blog so I can update even when not updating
Finish work I started on a Flopsy memorial site
Contribute at least two scans worth of data per month to FreeBMD
Work on my own family tree
Get in contact with friends and family more than I attempted last year
Use my camera on my new phone to take some pretty pictures
Lose some weight and feel better about myself
Shake off this head cold I seem to have
Finish off the Harry Potter series and read more in general
Try and save the world one energy-saving gadget at a time
Go somewhere I’ve never been before
Clear as much debt as possible
Save up some money just for a rainy day
Say “I Love You” when the chance comes around – you never know when it will be the last time

I’m happy with that list for now… I’ll be checking back 1st January 2010 to see how well I did!

Best of luck to everyone with your own resolutions. Have a great year!

Read on for what happened in my 2008.

The first piece of bad news I received was in January when I found out someone from school had died. I don’t know if anyone else that knew him felt the same but I was really upset that someone that had never done harm to anyone had to die. Hardly feels like there is any justice in the world. Not only that but he was the first person I’ve known my age to pass away. It really brings your own mortality to light…

Around February and March time I had a birthday and saw a few mental health professionals to get myself a place on a Day Therapy Outpatient course. Then it felt like a real step forward however, due to a missing letter, I lost my place in the queue and now won’t get back in until sometime next year. That’s how these things go I guess. I’d go into more details about what it all involves, but it doesn’t seem like there is much point to until I can get past the assessment stage.

It was April when I created a new blog, Suzi Search reborn if you like. I haven’t updated it recently but if you’ve read my past few posts you can probably gather why that is. I’m proud of my little project though.

Still in April, I decided to go to my GP over something that had been bothering me for months. My PCOS means I rarely get a period but earlier this year I had one that just wouldn’t quit! I had a few different kinds of tests at the doctor’s and at the hospital and by May I’d received my results. Cysts were confirmed around my ovaries which didn’t come as much of a surprise, but a fibroid (a benign tumour) was also found. Unless it causes pain or alters in size it shouldn’t an issue, but it’s still a concern for me. I was given medication which curbed the period. It went away, came back, and went away again – I’ve not had another since then.

In June I met with a friend from school for her Hen Night. Why am I mentioning that in my year in review? Well, I’ve not been particularly social after certain events these past few years so to see someone I haven’t seen in years in a busy place surrounded by people I didn’t know… big thing for me. Unless you know how soul-destroying depression can be, it would be hard to explain.

July came by and I started volunteering at an Ancestry database where I’m sent scans and process them so they can be added to a website that anyone can search. It’s an ongoing thing, and I recently typed two pages of entries up yesterday – today I’ll be verifying for errors and uploading them.

Perhaps influenced by the site I was volunteering at or perhaps due to family researching our family tree, but it was around August I decided to do a little digging of my own. On my mother’s paternal side I’ve managed to find our ancestor’s dating back to 1530! Not to mentioned I’ve discovered a whole host of distant relatives we never knew we had…

September started with my dad reaching his 60th Birthday! And then the phoneline was cut. Oh. It was weeks before we had a phoneline again, and further time after that before we had our old number back. Unfortunately, we couldn’t go back to our old legacy broadband package so we’re on something new, with the same supplier. So far so good! I don’t usually like contracts but I trust this company, and got a free Wireless router too!

My sister started off October by having her birthday. Flopsy had had a growth which had burst and I had cleaned, and he seemed fine. On the 20th his 3rd birthday (I am not exactly sure how old he was when I got him, but this is right if he was 8 weeks old) came and passed without a fuss. But by the end of the month, the growth had returned…

1st November it was no longer there. He ate, drank, played and ran as normal – he was the rabbit I had always known and loved. Late on 2nd November Flopsy wasn’t moving and hadn’t touched his food. I knew he would not live another day. Very early 3rd November, Flopsy died next to me. Had anything else happened that month I’m not really sure because things became less important after that.

And now we find ourselves in December. It was hard not having Flopsy here for the 20th, the 3 year Anniversary of when I first saw him, met him, held him and brought him home. My first Christmas without him has been tinted with sadness because he’s not here. I’ve tried to get on with things, presents to buy and receive, but I would be lying if I said it’s been easy.

Despite this, it has been a good Christmas. A very good Christmas. Everyone has actually seemed to like their presents, and I love mine too. I think my mum and sister made an extra special effort to make this a good one this year because of how I’ve felt these past two months (is that all it’s been?). I appreciate the effort even if I can’t always show it.

So there we have it. My year in review. There have been highs and lows but now it’s coming to a close. I’ll be posting again tomorrow with what I hope for 2009!

Thanks for reading everyone. I hope Santa left you what you wanted for Christmas (because he ain’t comin’ back for a year!).

I also want to say something I forgot to mention before. I still have lots of pictures of Flopsy that I never uploaded here. I wanted to show them in order of when they were taken but some I’m unable to upload at the moment so none of them have been yet. The order is less important to me now. I need to grieve and come to terms with this loss, but the pictures will go up in the future.

Thanks for reading.

Edit as of 21st, October 2011 – changed the link for the goodbye letter as now it can be only found on Flopsy’s memorial, as talked about in this post. As of this edit, Flopsy would have been six years old yesterday…

—

Letter From Your Pet in Heaven

To my dearest family,
some things I’d like to say.
But first of all, to let you know,
that I arrived okay.

I’m writing this from the Bridge.
Here I dwell with God above.
Here there’s no more tears of sadness.
Here is just eternal love.

Please do not be unhappy
just because I’m out of sight.
Remember that I am with you
every morning, noon and night.

That day I had to leave you
when my life on earth was through,
God picked me up and hugged me,
and He said, “I welcome you.

It’s good to have you back again;
you were missed while you were gone.
As for your dearest family,
They’ll be here later on.”

God gave me a list of things,
that he wished for me to do.
And foremost on the list,
was to watch and care for you.

And when you lie in bed at night,
the day’s chores put to flight,
God and I are closest to you . . .
in the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on earth,
and all those loving years,
because you are only human,
they are bound to bring you tears.

But do not be afraid to cry:
it does relieve the pain.
Remember there would be no flowers,
unless there was some rain.

I wish that I could tell you
all that God has planned.
If I were to tell you,
you wouldn’t understand.

But one thing is for certain,
though my life on earth is o’er.
I’m closer to you now,
than I ever was before.

There are rocky roads ahead of you
and many hills to climb;
But together we can do it
by taking one day at a time.

It was always my philosophy
and I’d like it for you too;
That as you give unto the world,
the world will give to you.

If you can help somebody
who’s in sorrow and pain;
Then you can say to God at night . . .
“My day was not in vain.”

And now I am contented . . .
that my life was worthwhile.
Knowing as I passed along
I made somebody smile.

God says: “If you meet somebody
who is sad and feeling low;
Just lend a hand to pick him up,
as on your way you go.

When you’re walking down the street
with me on your mind;
I’m walking in your footsteps
only half a step behind.”

“And when it’s time for you to go . . .
from that body to be free.
Remember you’re not going . . .
you’re coming here to me.”

[Author Unknown]

—

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together…

He has been unwell in the past but has always pulled through, unfortunately I knew it wouldn’t be the same this time. For several hours he stayed in my arms while I groomed him as I was certain this would be my last chance to do so. I’m sad to say that I was right about that.

I am going to miss you so much, Flopsy. I can’t even begin to describe how heartbroken I am…

It would be hard to determine the exact cause of death, but I have my suspicious as to what. I will always think I could or should have done more or done things differently, but it was too late to take him anywhere as, even if I had, I believe he would have died on the journey. I don’t regret having him at home with me because I think it brought him some small comfort having someone with him that he knew.

I can’t be sure how old he was when I got him, but I thought him to be around 8 weeks old. If that is true, here is his birthday ticker, stopped today, to show how old he was.

I remember like it was yesterday the day I brought him home. I didn’t quite have him 3 years, and I wish with all my heart we’d have had many more years together, but the short time we did have was wonderful. He gave me a few scares but he also gave me so much joy. I will never forget him and I will never stop loving him.

On Saturday night I held him in my arms and stroked him while he licked my hand, something he hadn’t done for a long time. I do not know if he was more aware then of what was inevitable that I was but I like to believe it was his way of saying goodbye while he had the chance to.

My pet, friend and loyal companion, I will miss you.

The longer version has some kinda personal stuff in it so if you don’t want to know then you can safely stop reading now.

Since last year I’ve had a medical issue of a delicate nature but I was scared to go to the doctors about it. I finally did a month or so ago, and had a few tests to see what would come up. I finally got my results yesterday and it’s nothing terrible… but obviously it is still a bit of a worry to me. The tests confirmed I have several cysts as well as a fibroid.

My doctor has given me some medication that I’ll be taking for the next three weeks to hopefully reduce the symptoms and then we’ll see how things are when I next see her late August. We discussed another medication and the benefits of it, but I decided to just wait and figure out what to do later. It really depends if my symptoms are the same as they are right now.

We also discussed that I see a nurse that specializes in weight loss as losing some would also improve my condition so it looks like I’ll be keeping a diet diary for two weeks and then seeing the nurse – after that, we’ll take it from there.

Right now I’m waiting to hear back from day treatment occupational therapy. I’ve already been for my assessment (end of March) but it’s a case of waiting for a space to become available. It sounds promising, but I’ll wait until I’ve actually been there before I post about it.

In other news I’ve been working on a new website that I’m quite pleased with… but there are a few kinks I’d prefer to iron out before I link to it.

Thanks for reading.